On a wet Tuesday evening in a community centre just off Deansgate, six men sat in a circle and did something most British blokes spend years avoiding: they talked honestly about their bladders. The Manchester Continence Support Group — part of a wider network supported by Bladder & Bowel UK — has been meeting monthly for three years. What started as a clinical information session has become, in the words of one member, "the one place I don't have to pretend." We asked six of those men one question: how did you tell your partner? Their answers are frank, funny, and surprisingly moving.

According to the NHS, urinary incontinence affects millions of people in the UK, and men are far from exempt. Yet stigma keeps most suffering in silence — often hiding the problem from the very person closest to them. If you're sitting on a secret like this, you are not alone. And these men have something to say to you.

1. Terry, 58 — "I wrote it in a card"

Terry had his prostate removed at 56 following a cancer diagnosis. Post-operative leakage, which Prostate Cancer UK acknowledges affects the majority of men following a radical prostatectomy, left him anxious and withdrawn. For eight months he hid wet pads in carrier bags tucked beneath the bathroom bin.

"I kept thinking: she married a man who had his life together. What would she think?" he says. "In the end, I bought her a birthday card — not even her birthday — and I wrote it all down inside. Handed it to her and walked into the kitchen."

His wife, Carol, cried. Then she came through and held him. "She said she'd noticed the bags. She'd been waiting for me to be ready."

Terry's advice: If words fail you face to face, write them down. A letter, a card, even a text. Getting it out of your head and onto paper is the hardest step — but you only have to do it once.

2. Marcus, 64 — "I used the GP appointment as the bridge"

Marcus had been managing stress incontinence for two years before he told his wife, Denise. The trigger wasn't an emotional breakthrough — it was a practical one. He'd booked a GP appointment after reading an NHS self-help leaflet, and on the morning of the visit, he simply asked Denise if she'd come with him.

"I didn't explain why. Just said I had something on and would appreciate the company." When the GP raised incontinence, Marcus nodded, and Denise understood instantly. "The GP did the explaining. I just had to sit there."

He was subsequently referred to a continence nurse specialist, who assessed his pelvic floor function and recommended a structured programme of pelvic floor exercises — the same exercises the NHS recommends as first-line treatment for stress incontinence in men.

Marcus's advice: If you haven't spoken to your GP, book that appointment first. Bringing your partner along — even without a full explanation beforehand — can let the clinical setting carry some of the weight.

telling partner about incontinence men UK infographic — Orykas UK
telling partner about incontinence men UK infographic — Orykas UK

3. Raj, 52 — "I made a joke. It went badly. Then it went well."

Raj, a former PE teacher, noticed leakage following a bout of severe prostatitis. He is, by his own admission, "someone who deflects with humour." His first attempt at disclosure was a wisecrack about buying shares in absorbent underwear that landed in silence at the dinner table.

"Priya didn't laugh. She put her fork down and said, 'Is something actually wrong?' And that was it. I couldn't joke my way out of it after that."

What followed was a two-hour conversation he now describes as "one of the best we've ever had." Raj contacted NHS 111 the following week when symptoms worsened and was directed to a same-day urology assessment. "I'd been avoiding it because I thought it meant something terrible. It meant I needed a referral and some physio."

Raj's advice: If humour is your defence mechanism, use it to open the door — but be ready for the moment the real conversation begins. It will begin.

4. Alan, 71 — "She already knew"

Alan spent eighteen months convinced he was concealing his incontinence perfectly. He'd switched to washable incontinence underwear, was meticulous about laundry, and had reorganised his side of the wardrobe. His wife, Janet, had noticed all of it.

"She told me later she'd Googled 'husband hiding incontinence' at two in the morning," Alan says, laughing. "She thought it was something to do with his bowels and had been trying to work out how to bring it up herself."

The eventual conversation happened because Janet asked directly. "She sat me down, said she wasn't going to be daft about it, and asked me to tell her what was going on. I nearly cried with relief."

Alan was eventually assessed under the NICE guideline CG171 on urinary incontinence and is now under the care of a consultant urologist. He manages day-to-day with washable bamboo-fibre boxers, which he credits with restoring his confidence.

Alan's advice: Give your partner some credit. They may already know — and may be waiting for you to feel safe enough to tell them.

5. David, 47 — "We were away for the weekend. Away from home made it easier."

David, the youngest in the group, developed urgency incontinence following a spinal injury. He told his girlfriend, Sarah, during a weekend break in the Lake District — not by design, but because a near-miss incident in a pub made concealment impossible.

"We were having a lovely time and I just didn't make it to the loo in time. I had to go back to the room and change. She was concerned. I just told her everything."

Being away from the everyday environment helped, he says. "There's something about being out of your normal routine — you're already not quite yourself, so it felt less fraught to talk about something that wasn't normal."

David subsequently connected with the Bladder & Bowel UK helpline, which offers confidential support and can help signpost men to local continence services. "They were brilliant. Not clinical — just human."

David's advice: A change of setting can lower your guard enough to have the conversation. Plan a weekend away, or even just a walk somewhere unfamiliar. Neutral ground helps.

6. Pete, 66 — "I showed her the products I'd been using"

Pete had been quietly managing with washable incontinence boxers for over a year before his wife, Gill, found one in the laundry and asked what it was. He decided, in that moment, to show her everything — the underwear, the routine, the strategy he'd built around managing his condition.

"I thought she'd be horrified. Instead she was fascinated. She read all the product information, asked about the bamboo fibre, wanted to know whether they went on a normal wash." He pauses. "She said, 'These seem really practical.' And that was it. Completely matter-of-fact."

Pete credits the practical, clinical framing with removing embarrassment from the conversation. "By treating it as a health management thing — like diabetes supplies or a hearing aid — she treated it that way too."

Pete's advice: Frame it practically. Show your partner the tools you're using to manage. When incontinence becomes a logistics conversation rather than a shame conversation, it changes the dynamic entirely.

What all six men said

When we asked each man what surprised him most about coming clean, every single one gave a variation of the same answer: it was nowhere near as bad as the anticipation. The months of anxiety, the rehearsed conversations, the imagined worst-case scenarios — none of them materialised. Partners responded with compassion, concern, and in several cases, a practical trip to the NHS website.

That matches what Bladder & Bowel UK consistently hears on its helpline: the fear of disclosure is almost always worse than disclosure itself. And the isolation of managing a condition alone — the logistical stress, the hypervigilance, the quiet shame — is far more corrosive to a relationship than honesty.

If you're not ready to tell your partner, tell your GP first. Or contact the Bladder & Bowel UK helpline. Or ring NHS 111. Getting professional support does not require you to have told anyone close to you yet — and it may give you the language and confidence to do so when you're ready.

Related Orykas UK Advice

Orykas UK: washable protection built around your life

Whether you're managing light leaks or more significant urgency, having reliable, discreet underwear changes everything about how you move through the day — and how you feel telling a partner about your condition. When Pete showed Gill his washable boxers, she was calm about it partly because the product itself looked and felt completely ordinary.

Orykas UK makes washable incontinence boxer briefs from OEKO-TEX Standard 100 certified bamboo fibre — naturally breathable, odour-resistant, and kind to skin. They are machine-washable at 40°C and designed to last two to three years with regular use, making them considerably more cost-effective than disposable alternatives over time.

Our current range for men includes:

If your incontinence is the result of a chronic condition — including post-prostatectomy incontinence or neurological causes — you may be eligible for UK VAT relief under the HMRC disability-products scheme. This means you can purchase qualifying Orykas products VAT-free. Details are available at checkout, and our customer team can assist if you have questions.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I tell my partner about incontinence without it becoming a big emotional event?

Many men find it easier to frame the conversation practically rather than emotionally — focusing on what they're already doing to manage the condition, rather than leading with how distressing it has been. Having specific information to hand (from your GP or from resources like Bladder & Bowel UK) can help keep the conversation grounded. Some men find a written note or letter gives them more control over how they express themselves without being interrupted by emotion in the moment.

Is male incontinence common enough that my partner will understand?

Yes. The NHS estimates that urinary incontinence affects around one in four men over 40 at some point in their lives — a statistic that surprises many people because the condition is so underreported. Prostate Cancer UK notes that the majority of men who undergo prostate surgery experience some degree of post-operative leakage. Your partner is far less likely to be shocked than you fear.

Should I see my GP before or after telling my partner?

Either order is fine — what matters is that both happen. Many men find it easier to tell their GP first, because a clinical conversation feels lower-stakes than a personal one. Your GP can assess the underlying cause, refer you to a continence nurse specialist, and outline treatment options. Going into the conversation with your partner armed with professional information can also make the disclosure feel less frightening.

Will incontinence affect my relationship long-term?

Not managing it openly is far more likely to affect your relationship than the condition itself. The secrecy, the withdrawal, the anxiety that comes with concealment — these behaviours create distance. Most men in the Orykas UK community report that disclosure, while nerve-wracking, brought them closer to their partners. Incontinence is a health condition, not a character flaw, and partners who are given the opportunity to understand it usually respond accordingly.

Are washable incontinence boxers discreet enough to wear without my partner noticing?

Modern washable incontinence boxer briefs — including the Orykas UK range — are designed to look and feel like ordinary underwear. There is no crinkle, no bulk, and no visible difference beneath clothing. That said, once you've had the conversation, you may find you don't need them to be a secret at all. Several men in the Manchester group now wash their Orykas boxers openly alongside the rest of the household laundry — a small but meaningful marker of how far the conversation moved them forward.

Sources and further reading: NHS — Urinary Incontinence; NICE Clinical Guideline CG171 — Urinary Incontinence in Men; Prostate Cancer UK — Urinary Problems After Treatment; Bladder & Bowel UK. This article is intended for general informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult your GP or a qualified continence nurse specialist regarding your individual circumstances.
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